The thing about the color blue that fascinates me so much is its depth. Or, should I say, its ability to depict depth or distance. The deeper the ocean the darker the color. The further away the bluer the horizon appears. You follow the path and once you go far enough, where you currently are was once covered in a blue fog, or so it seemed. Because here you are and it’s clear but look out in any direction and there it is again. The constant blue. It’s dependable in that way. It’s always out there in a place you will never attain. Depth and distance will forever be laced in blue but we will never receive the blue that’s always out there. There is a longing in blue thats so lonesome and painful it feels just like that cold I’ve sometimes been described as.
I’m peculiar. There are many things about me that may be difficult to understand and I don’t always say the right things but I want to continue to try. Every day I meet people who are full of life and inspired, but I can always sense the blue in others. I can spot the blue a mile away, for that is where it’s deepest and I find that it often hurts me too.
“Be careful,” my mother says to me. I laughed at her. How ridiculous. She knows better than that. I’ve always been far better at picking myself up and dusting off than I ever have playing it safe. Most of my best mistakes were accidents and the best developments that occurred were birthed in pain. I don’t want the cold anymore, and I’ll always love the blue but lately I’m feeling fiery and I thinks it’s time to try a new hue.
Journey + Recovery
In times of transition (and not), we have the ability to choose which path to take, and how we treat ourselves through it. I think that the most important thing is whether we are willing to engage in a moral struggle against ourselves. And if so, how we perceive that journey, and ultimately, how we find recovery.
But we all need help along the way. I read, “individual will, reason, compassion, and character are not strong enough to consistently defeat selfishness, pride, greed, and self deception.” And this makes me realize how important it is to let people in and allow them to walk beside me. Surrounding yourself with those who are better than you makes you better, to be delighted by their flaws and embrace them. Bad decisions are universal, an awareness that none of us are better, we all inherently fail sometimes. That is what allows for compassion towards others who make ill choices. Support each other through bad decisions, we fight our own demons by helping others fight theirs. And I think it important to remember that sometimes when a person least “deserves” compassion is exactly when they may need it the most. Bad choices don’t make people evil, bad choices are a necessary part of our growth. Rebuilding ones self comes from the agonizing trial of fighting against ones internal demons. You dont have to be perfect to be an inspiration to others, inspire in your imperfections, your understanding, you growth, your journey.
Every day is filled with opportunities to challenge ourselves on a higher level. And if we do this, then we have the ability to make a change that has the potential to transcend a lifetime.
“Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime; therefore we must be saved by hope. Nothing which is true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history; therefore we must be saved by faith. Nothing we do, however virtuous can be accomplished alone; therefore we are saved by love. No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of a friend or foe as it is from our own standpoint. Therefore we must be saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness.” -Reinhold Niebuhr