from the archives, written in 2015
Existence.
Now that’s something to think about, isn’t it? Thinking about the bigger picture, that’s what keeps getting me stuck. I find myself lost in a tangle of contradictions. I’m constantly taught between ‘everything matters” and “nothing matters.” I’m in a constant limbo between ‘be nice to everyone’ and ‘fuck them all.” I suppose that’s why they call it an existential crisis.
I was listening to a podcast the other night, in which the question in question (haha) was: if natural selection boils down to survival of the fittest, how do you explain why one creature might stick its neck out for another? And guess what, it all comes down to science. George Price, with no training in population genetics or statistics, devised the Price equation, an equation that generated the change in gene frequency. Basically, he figured out the equation to determine that we risk for those related to us because instinctually we’re making an attempt to continue our genes. If you have a brother, that brother carries ½ of your genes, and say, your cousins carry 1/8 of your genes. Hence the strong instinct to first risk to save your brother as opposed to a cousin as there is a higher chance that part of your own genetics will continue and hopefully, eventually procreate. Even when we think we’re doing things graciously, it all comes down to self interest that has been calculated within our genetics. George Price was a terrible father, and towards the latter years of his life came face to face with the harsh realities of his own mortality, his scientific discovery and how they related to each other. He detested the idea that the only reason one person would appear to be selfless was actually an imbedded instinct created over thousands of years of evolution, yet his own behavior had displayed just that. He eventually set down a path of selflessness to prove his theory wrong. He helped every person he could, extending so far beyond his means that he eventually became a squatter, living in abandoned homes. I think Price felt that science wasn’t enough, and if there was to be good in this world then he had to be the one to do it. So he took his Christian teachings and attempted to apply them to his life. Price was found dead on January 6, 1975. He had committed suicide, even after spending so much effort trying to prove his theory. Less than 10 people attended his funeral, and he has been left underground in an unmarked grave somewhere in London.
I left religion long ago, and while I’m sure there are underlying themes I connected to as a child that I’ve incorporated into my adult atheist mindset, I do believe in Science. Science motivates me, it makes sense to me because the only constant is change. I think the Bible is full of great stories, but to me, thats all they are. And like many stories, some of them are rooted in great moral compassion. Many of the morals of these stories are pertinent. But all they are are stories. But in hearing this true story, and so many others like it, I can’t help but feel that there’s got to be something deeper than science, and something better than faith. Does science have the ability to really explain love? Why would I risk my life for someone I’ve fallen into romantic love with over someone who shares my genetics? Would I? I think I might, and I think some of you might too, so what is it?
It’s science… but I’ve got to believe that there’s something more, like Price did. If evolutionary advancements have taught our genes through natural selection to risk for those that advance our genes then where does risking our lives for strangers come into play? Friends? Lovers?
What is the purpose of human connection? If it’s all just science than none of it really matters. Love would be nothing but it can’t be nothing. I feel love and I’ve felt love. I know its pull, I know what it can do to a person. I feel how it motivates a person. I believe in how it awakens and challenges a person. I know its strength and weakness’ as I’ve experienced them first hand. My personal experiences create my perceptions.
But are my perceptions a reality? Are yours?